April 1st 2021, Melbourne
The Federal Government has launched a new Parenting training package to overhaul the way children are raised in Australia. The training package features four qualifications, including a Certificate III in Parenting for new parents, a Diploma in Parenting for parents with teenagers, and an Advanced Diploma in Parenting for grandparents.
“It’s about time we introduced a training and certification scheme for parents in this country’, said the Minister for Training today, “For generations people have complained about how easy it is to become a parent, without any training or qualifications. I mean, its ridiculous; you can become a parent without knowing what you are doing, without any previous experience or skills; and so it’s no wonder the quality of parenting has been declining. Well, that stops today.”
The new training package will be rolled out gradually, with the government expected to make the training mandatory for all new parents within the next five years.
“This government is committed to better parenting, and that’s why we are investing $5 billion dollars over five years to upskill Australia’s parents. As a parent myself, I know I didn’t have a clue what to do, the first time my child projectile vomited across our bed at 3am in the morning”, the Minister said at today’s press conference.
“Our industry consultation showed that teenagers were really fed-up with having parents that didn’t know how to use SnapChat, and our focus groups with toddlers showed that parents need more training in Wiggles dance moves. We will be calling this program ParentMaker.”
The new training package includes new units of competency on controlling toddler tantrums on aeroplanes, how to get three-year-olds to eat vegetables, nappy changing, and how to get children to sleep in their own bed.
A TAFE spokesperson said that TAFE would be asking the government for a $150 million grant to prepare TAFE for delivering the new qualifications.
“We’ll be using $50 million to build a state-of-the-art teenager simulation centre for advanced parenting skills”, said the spokesperson, who declined to be named. “We’ll be spending the rest on upgrading the staff canteens, and to employ hundreds of extra mid-level managers on outrageous salaries. We don’t expect any of our trainers will need any upskilling to deliver the courses; most of them are grandparents already”.
Vice-President of the Dodgy Private RTOs Association, Mr Con Artist, said that his members welcome the new training package.
“This is great for our industry; there are lots of people who become parents without really knowing what they are doing. We’ll be offering cut-price RPL with a free iPad to anyone who even thought about dating a member of the opposite sex, or who think babies are kind of cute. Why should they have to spend time studying to be a parent at TAFE when we can print them out a certificate over a cup of coffee for a couple of thousand bucks?”
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Reporter:
Daniel Wurm is an instructional designer with EduBytes, and has been working from home with a toddler for the last 12 months. He is currently studying Wiggles dance moves, and has been investigating ways to work during sleep deprivation.
